Currently Reading Black Skins, French Voices: Caribbean Ethnicity and Activism in Urban France (Westview Case Studies in Anthropology) By David Beriss see related

Sitting here thinking I can't help but wish I've done things differently. I had this wonderful bestfriend. We lived together...did everything together. People constantly would say, "Ashley, you and Amanda are going to die together I can see it now." But how very wrong they are. I fucked it up. I tainted it. I was constantly looking for someone to love me physically that when I had a girlfriend I'd totally block her out, and she'd constantly tell me "Ashley, I wish you'd see how beautiful you truly are...you don't need that shit you can get fucked any time day or night...toughen up!" I love that about her even now she's the person in my life that will always tell me the hard truth. I tried so hard to escape my life here, for someone just to take me away...away from here and my misery. But I didn't stop to think that maybe I had the world at my fingertips then, and each failed relationship would make me fall further down into this dark hole.

I started cutting and locking myself in, shutting myself off. That's what forced her to distance herself from me, but it's nights like these after 2 years that I fall asleep in my own puddle of tears. What I wouldn't do to get it all back.

She got arrested last week, and didn't even call me. I would do anything for her I wish she would have called me.

I learned the other day that I still cannot listen to Tori Amos. Her music still makes me tear up.

Andrea, if you read this don't forget to e-mail me your address please.  

I haven't updated this thing in so long

let's start from most recent and work our way back...

Yesterday, was my 21th birthday, and to tell the truth I can't believe it. It turned out to be really nice. Beth and I rented a hotel room close to her house and invited some friends over to chill with us. It was me, her, Brycen, Lolo, Amanda, Shelly, and Chris. At first I thought I would have to cancel everything because I was sick all week from Tuesday on. I couldn't hold a thing down or move off the couch. It was horrible. But I woke up yesterday morning(b-day morning) and I held down some juice and went to the dr., and decided I would not have another shitty birthday.

So I called up Beth and told her everything was still on. She went outside to get in her car to come get me and there was no car in the driveway. Calls her parents. They have her car. So she decides to just take her mom's car. But to cut a long story short her mom's car was on E, and when she went to the gas station it wouldn't take anymore gas. So, Lolo wakes up...her parents get back..they jump in the car and come get me and Brycen at around 6. We go buy the alcohol(which I really couldn't have since I'm still sorta sick). We go to check in and I realize I forgot my purse. So, we had to go all the way back to my house to get it. Then when I go to check in I didn't even need to show them my ID. We get in there order from Copelines which is next door to the hotel. Then after we eat Amanda, shelly, and Chris get there. There's people from a Baptist ministry convention, and Brycen's going in and out going in the public bathroom by the pool to get high. Beth's so nervous, and Brycen's funny as hell because he was high and drinking from earlier. He constantly checking the tv for news on the pope. Later, Shelly, Chris, and Brycen go in the hotel bathroom and get high. They tried to bring me in there, but my wheelchair wouldn't fit in the doorway.

At around 1:30am Brycen and Beth go to bed, and me, Amanda, Lolo, Chris, and Shelly start talking politics. Boy, Lolo has strong opinions...may not be what I believe in sometimes...but it makes for some interesting conversation.

Around 3:30am Lolo goes jump in the bed with Brycen and Beth and gets on top of Brycen and licks him...lol. Brycen tries to get Lolo off of him so he pushes him a little...and Lolo goes flying on the other bed.

To wrap the birthday things up Amanda took Chris and Shelly home. Then came back and we stood up and talked till 6am. Then I went to lay down and Amanda and Lolo went back to Beth's house(which is less than 5 mins. away) and went to sleep.

Amanda showed me some pictures of Australia. It looks so fucking beautiful there. Boy, I wish I could have been there.

The day after my birthday, I checked the mail and I got a Cinderella b-day card, a letter, and pretty pink jelly bracelets and ring thingys from my aussie sis, formally known as, Kylie. That really made my day.
Tiff sent me a cute online card. Beth gave me another Cookie Monster shirt :). "Me want cookies." Grandma Alice gave me $50, my parents gave me a shirt, and everyone I love was there for my birthday. I couldn't ask for more.

It's my 21th year, may something wild and spontaneous happen this year, and may all my loves be safe."-birthday wish.

I got my new PCA on last Monday. I liike her, but she's old and doesn't like to really go out. So I feel like my life is shot. I'm suppose to be getting Nikki back for Fri. and Sat.'s so hopefully I can gain one again. Hopefully, I can go out and meet a girl too because well i'm pretty lonely.

Andrea, I'm really sorry I missed your call the other day. I miss the convos we used to have so much.

I'm so stressed I want to cry. I can't wait til this whole PCA thing is over and done with.

please, someone leave me feedback

tell me something good

please